"The Rant" by Trav Flatt
By Trav Flatt
Concerned Reader “Doug” recently pointed out to me that poor Derek Jeter had recently pulled up lame, and was flirting with the possibility of winding up on the 15-Day Disabled List. This is, of course, truly tragic, as the guy had been on a tear. His batting average had spiraled upward into the stratosphere of somewhere around .220. Now, as a well-educated and solemn Concerned Reader, he was quick to point out various insights that could be inferred from the nature of Jeter’s injury.
However, journalistic integrity (Har!) prohibits me from making ANY references WHATSOEVER to possible associations between the following concepts:
• ”Derek Jeter”
• ”15-Day Disabled List”
• ”Groin Injury”
• ”Mariah Carey”
Now, as I’m still trying to get myself up-to-date on all things baseball, there are bound to be holes in my contemporary awareness. I’m fairly certain that Mariah has gone splits with Jeter (Re-Har!), but I haven’t been able to really find any definitive evidence.
The reason for this is… I can’t research Mariah Carey at work. Why? Because a quick search on the woman produces too many images of her in various states of undress. I have nothing in particular against seeing Mariah’s bosoms, but my employer would most likely take issue with them appearing on my screen. “Hard at work again, eh, Flatt?”
Taking all this into consideration, it is my sad duty to inform the readers that the above associations will NOT be made reference to in any way whatsoever, because it would be journalistically inaccurate. I repeat: No mention will be made regarding groin injuries, OR Derek Jeter, or even Mariah Carey having anything to do with one another.
(They were going to get back together, but…)
No! We must move on to other pertinent baseball news such as:
Baseball Hair Revisited
I think I’m being ripped off. Well, that my self-affirming ego at work of course, but I did come across a feature in my latest copy of Sports Weekly. The subject was, yes, Bizarre Hair in Baseball.
It was a well-researched article, and reminded me of many classic coiffures of baseball history. My absolute favorite has to be the 1975 Oscar Gamble “Escaping Afro” look.
All-Star Stupidity
Can we all just agree that All-Star Voting has lost any shred of credibility? A news line pointed out that the afore-mentioned Derek Jeter was edging out Nomar Garciaparra for All-Star Shortstop. How in the hell does a guy batting under .240 get voted in as an ‘All-Star’? (No, not fielding. Six errors to date and he’s hovering at about .975 in fielding percentage.)
That’s not the whole stupid part. What’s absurd is that he’s edging out Nomar. I’m not saying Nomar is or is not a better shortstop, mind you. The POINT is that Garciaparra has spent the season on the disabled list. Yes, friends and neighbors, the second place shortstop has precisely ZERO at-bats to date for the season. I suppose one could argue that he has zero errors, as well. I don’t have any errors on the season, either. Hell, I haven’t walked a batter ALL YEAR! Where are my All-Star Pitcher votes, damnit?
In any case, what we end up with is a system in which a guy having possibly the least productive season of his career is in heated competition with a guy who isn’t even playing for ‘Best Shortstop of the Season’. Meanwhile, Michael Young is lollygagging along in the ballots at fourth.
Can’t blame the MLB on this one, though. All-Star Voting is in the hands of the fans, and the fans are obviously being wienerheads. Now, pardon me while I go vote for A.J. Burnett.
