Bud Doesn't Like Mud.
By Steve Marsi
Since I am presently unable to pay rent by contributing to this fine Internet site, I am forced to hold down a day job in the corporate world. My home for 40 hours a week is a place where talking heads call meetings to hear themselves talk about "synergy" and "leveraging resources." It is a world in which one is inexplicably forced to move his desk every few months, and a place that encourages filling out endless forms rather than developing practical skills. Bill Lumbergh, the smarmy boss featured in the 1999 cult classic Office Space, would be immensely proud.
Regardless of whether they have seen this film (which I highly recommend), I know that millions of fellow cubicle slaves across the country can relate to such experiences. Lately, so can several members of the Boston Red Sox, as Major League Baseball is apparently making an attempt to replicate this workplace environment.
The Boston Globe reported Friday that the league plans to instruct players such as Red Sox outfielder Trot Nixon to clean their batting helmets so that the team logo is more visible. Nixon, whose helmet is perpetually covered with the pine tar he applies to his bats, and who would probably shun bathing altogether if it allowed him more time in the batting cages, rightfully considers the directive laughable.
Nixon may not be Hall of Fame material, or the brightest of bulbs, but anyone familiar with the Sox will tell you that he is a true ballplayer, a guy concerned only with his team and the game. Even if Nixon never became a successful player of major league caliber, he would probably be toiling around the minors somewhere and loving it. Nixon wasn’t just frustrated with the nagging quadriceps injury that kept him out two months – he was seething at his inability to play. His jersey is rarely clean, while his cap and batting helmet are never so. That’s just part of the game he knows, one in which players go all out to win games and care little for trivial details. He should be lauded by the league, not made a victim of its bureaucratic, self-indulgent nonsense. And Trot is not alone on the Red Sox roster – Nomar Garciaparra has already been fined and threatened with suspension for covering the MLB logo on his helmet with dirt. Why the shortstop is so insistent on covering said logo is another story, but who cares! Closer Keith Foulke has been asked to remove the American flag that he sports on his hat. Another grave injustice.
Do these executives have nothing better to do than sit around and come up with ideas like this? It’s hard to think of something more asinine to worry about. This is an organization that can’t control steroid abuse or the violent behavior that tarnishes the sport’s image, yet the cleanliness of batting helmets raises a red flag. Why does the league wish to tamper with the routines of old-school players who make the game great? The same reason the company insists you use the new cover sheet on your TPS report. Because it can. So the powers that be can validate themselves and stroke their massive egos. Somewhere, Bill Lumbergh, a.k.a. Bud Selig, is smiling.
Ouch (again)! – Just when it looked as if the Red Sox were turning the corner and playing like the contenders we expected them to be in 2004, they manage to lose a key game in spectacular fashion. Last night in Seattle, the team wasted a great outing from Bronson Arroyo (7 IP, 3H, 1ER, 12K) as Foulke surrendered two home runs in the ninth inning and Bret Boone hit a grand slam in the 11th to give the Mariners an 8-4 victory. As Boston (50-41) attempts to catch New York in the AL East and surge ahead in the Wild Card race, a loss like this is particularly devastating. Any good team is going to lose some, but if the Red Sox can’t finish off the contests they have to win – games when the fifth starter dominates and the top-notch closer has a two-run lead in the ninth against a last-place team – they can forget about playing in October. Derek Lowe (7-9) will take the mound and try to salvage a split against the Mariners today before the team returns home to face the Orioles and Yankees.
Signs You Have Read Too Much "Moneyball" – In your slow-pitch softball league, you now take the first pitch in every plate appearance, frequently lean across the plate or crouch down in an attempt to sway the umpire’s judgment on close pitches, and have accumulated a team-high 11 walks. It’s all about the on-base percentage, after all.
Signs You Care Too Much About Fantasy Baseball – While watching the benches clear during a Cardinals-Cubs game, you find yourself hoping that a brawl will NOT take place, because of the slim chance that Jim Edmonds and/or Derrek Lee may be ejected as a result.
