Caution: Protect Yourself Against the SGHFTD
By Trav Flatt
Now, I’m not the sort of person who would "poke fun" at a life-threatening condition. However, I feel that the Association of New York Yankees Personal Medical Persons lobby is suppressing some exceptionally important health-related information.
As everyone knows (except for myself until I looked it up), the Tapeworm absorbs nutrients directly from its host. It takes no small leap of logic to realize precisely what will happen should a normally innocuous (though disgusting) tapeworm find itself residing in what scientists consider a "High Steroid Environment".
That’s right. You get the Super Giant Hissing Fanged Tapeworm of Death. Now this writer will not be naming names, but it is highly likely at this point that at least one, and possibly TWO professional athletes have developed a SGHFTD. This should definitely serve as a lesson to any budding young athletes who find themselves tempted by performance-enhancing drugs. This is especially true due to the fact that young athletes are the most likely group to develop Acne on Steroids resulting in Super Giant Hissing Fanged Zits of Death.
Oh, sure, it gets started innocently enough. You’re there in the locker room, you just got ripped by the coach for being, in his terms, a "complete and utter weenie"… It’s natural to look for a solution, and here in the land of the quick fix, chemical enhancement can be tempting. Then, one day, without warning: Super Giant Hissing Fanged Athlete’s Foot of Death.
Then you’re a success! You’re touring the nation with a professional baseball team and there are increased expectations, increased pressures to maintain a level of performance. You pretty much HAVE to keep taking the drugs that got you there in order to stay there. And you definitely WANT to stay there because you not only want to keep from letting your teammates down, but you don’t want all of those groupies to lose interest! Then, one day, without warning: Super Giant Hissing Fanged Genital Warts of Death.
Then, finally, you succumb to the aforementioned Super Giant Hissing Fanged Tapeworm of Death, and you find yourself forced into fairly early retirement. That’s alright, though, because the groupies haven’t been quite as friendly ever since you started to develop Super Giant Hissing Fanged Male Pattern Baldness of Death.
You had a decent career, though, so you can’t really complain. You even manage to maintain a small measure of fame after baseball once the Tapeworm finally starts allowing interviews. Unfortunately, the advancing years have brought on the Super Giant Hissing Fanged Goiter of Death, so "Tapey", as you affectionately refer to him, insists that you remain off-camera.
I think the primary point to all of this was that, regardless of the temptation, one should absolutely not take the risk of turning one’s body into a "High Steroid Environment" when the side-effects are so plainly visible.
Let’s all do our part to ensure that the only Super Giant Hissing Fanged Parasites of Death remain lawyers and sports agents.
