Special "Yankees Suck" All-Star Game Diary!
By Doug Farrar
Since I�ve been too busy to blog for a few days, there�s one thing I have to rant about before we get started:
When Eric Gagne�s save streak was snapped last week, why did EVERYONE rush to compare and contrast it with DiMaggio�s hitting streak? Joe D, Joe D, Joe D. Is there a clause in the contract of every national baseball writer and announcer that they MUST mention a Yankee every 25 words?
Blech.
You want a streak? Try Orel Hershiser�s 59+ scoreless innings in a row. Where�s THAT comparison? C�mon�the man was a Dodger pitcher (like Gagne), and if you ask me, Hershiser�s run was far more impressive. Did you know that DiMaggio went 1-for-3, 4, or 5 a whopping 35 times during those 56 games? Plus the fact that he had a bunch of drunk New York writers up there scoring for him when they weren�t kissing his butt and falling all over themselves in a mad attempt to deify him�PUH-LEEZE.
Let�s talk about pressure. Try pitching 6 � games of scoreless baseball in the middle of a pennant race. You make one mistake, it�s all over. You can�t blow it two or three times out of four and keep it going. You have to be near-perfect�all the time. Not to mention the fact that the 1988 Dodgers were below the league average in fielding percentage and double plays. Orel Hershiser got no help. And he knew that if he didn�t have an all-time season, the Dodgers probably wouldn�t have made the playoffs. But since he had the NERVE to play for a Non-Yankee Entity (the fool!), he�ll never get the credit he deserves�except on YankeesSuck.com.
Why? Because it is our mission to blow the sickening Yankee mythology to smithereenies! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
OK�rant over. On to the action:
Pregame: AL recaps only�and I�m loath to mention the damn Clemens-Piazza thing at all, except to say that I lost any bit of respect I ever had for the Mets organization when they didn�t have their pitchers throw right at Clemens� head in that first Yankee-Met series at Shea a couple of years ago. After all, �being the bigger person� has never been Roger Clemens� concern�why should it be anyone else�s when he�s got a bat in his hands? Tonight, he�s going to throw a number of pitches, and Piazza will catch a number of them and throw them back. Ooooooh. How exciting.
Over/Under on the number of times Tim McCarver becomes so excited about Derek Jeter that he has to change his pants: 7.
Pretty decent boos for Jeter when announced�and what on EARTH is Giambi starting an All-Star Game with his numbers? Is this some sort of deal with BALCO?
�Batting sixth for the National League�and hopefully charging the mound after the first pitch�New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza!�
National anthem sung by �American Idol� winner �Fantasia�, who is wearing earrings the approximate size of the hole in Jeff Cirillo�s swing.
First pitch: Muhammad Ali. Giant. Godlike. Goosebumps. What more can you say?
That�s right, Derek�make sure you�re next to Ali at all times. Get those photo ops while you can, you slimeball�
AL First Inning (Brought to you by the dumb Marvel Comics Movie Du Jour): First pitch from Clemens to Piazza�ball one to Ichiro. Move along, people. Nothing to see here�Message to Joe Buck � it�s �EEE-CHEE-RO�, you moron�Again cursing the Mariners� �front office� for denying us Pudge�EEE-CHEE-RO scores on the I-Rod triple, which must be a foreign concept to him of late�Five minutes and I�m already sick of McCarver. That�s about right�WOOT! Manny hits �El Potato� and Clemens is down 3-0. BWAHAHAHA!!!...Big K for A-Fraud � so far, this is a YankeesSuck.com dream�Mr. Intestinal Parasite reaches on a Jeff Kent error�Mr. Intangible chops a single, and McCarver is strangely quiet. Lovers� tiff?...El Potato #2 from Soriano as Clemens goes down 6-0, and Mark Mulder mercifully strikes out. AL hits for the cycle in the first and sends the Rocket back to the trailer park. BeeeeeYOUTiful!
AL Second Inning (Brought to you by the dumb Will Smith Movie Du Jour): EEE-CHEE-RO back in the saddle, groundout�Randy Johnson warming up. No truth to the rumor that Steinbrenner and Selig will have the Unit pitching for the AL by the 7th inning�I-Rod 2 for 2 � Damn you, Howard Lincoln!!!...�Pudge Loves Yanni� segment VERY disturbing�Manny grounds out to Renteria, inning over�Fox cheezos beating the Yanni joke to death. McCarver picturing a tropical island�just him and Derek�Yanni music in the background�OK, I better stop now.
AL Third Inning (Brought to you by Karl Ravech�s hairpiece): RANDEEEEEEE! Don�t listen to those pinstriped wankers when they come up and try to sell you�Unit breaks A-Fraud�s bat for out #1�Scooter the Cartoon Ball needs to be on the receiving end of a Lance Berkman Special�Mr. Intestinal Parasite gets a single off the Unit� Mr. Intangible gets a single off the Unit, and McCarver is AGAIN strangely quiet � what�s going on here?�Looking at Soriano, I don�t know � if I have a choice between him and A-Fraud over the next five years, I wonder if Texas didn�t get the better deal�Fonzie singles to load the bases�Unit strikes out KC�s Harvey on a SICK breaker� EEE-CHEE-RO grounds out and the Unit emerges unscathed�Randy? Next stop, Boston!!!
AL Fourth Inning (Brought to you by the $20 million in missing Mariner payroll): Cubs� Carlos Zambrano on the mound (the most underrated pitcher in the NL)�Pudge almost beats out an infield single � GAWD, he�s fast for a catcher�Giambi miked up on first talking to Bonds about soft spikes � shouldn�t he be soliciting batting tips?...Ortiz in for Manny, and Zambrano wisely walks him�EEE-CHEE-RO caught in the dugout looking very confused to be surrounded with good players�A-Fraud hits a triple, but at least he drives Ortiz in�Zambrano strikes out Carl Crawford � inning over. Apparently, Roger Clemens would be �remissed� if he didn�t say something to his hometown fans. And Roger, we�d be �remissed� if we didn�t say this in return: �GO HOME, YOU HICK!!!�
AL Fifth Inning (Brought to you by the mental image of Brian Cashman washing Steinbrenner�s car): New NL hurler is the Marlins� Carl Pavano (forget the ring and the All-Star berth � this man used to date Alyssa Milano!)�and Mr. Intangible reaches on a rather questionable call at first. Hmmm. A Yankee getting a close call. Can you imagine?...Pavano Ks Fonzie�And here�s Texas� Michael Young, who SHOULD be the A.L. starting shortstop�and Jeter slides 20 feet short of second on a Young grounder � nice �Willie Mays Hayes moment�, Mr. Intangible!...EEE-CHEE-RO up � grounder to short. Inning over.
AL Sixth Inning (Brought to you by Dave Stapleton as a defensive replacement and Mookie grounding out in �86): DIE, SCOOTER, DIE!...Pavano again to I-Rod � pop-up to right�Kevin Kennedy talking to Jeter. THERE�S a braintrust�Bad Vlad (the best damn player in the game, if you ask me) singles to right� AND HERE IT IS! McCarver on Jeter � �What a money player he is�. And here comes the Intangibles Speech. And here�s the Highlight Reel. And here�s his bloody mug after the �faceplant catch� (THAT�s kinda enjoyable, actually). And here are the 27 shots of Mr. Intangible in the dugout. Excuse me while I vomit�Ortiz hits one to Arkansas�A.L. 9, A.L. 4. That man is STRONG!...Blalock grounds out�Crawford grounds out�inning over�Tejada fans Ortiz with a towel in the dugout as I wonder what the deal is with Manny�s hair.
AL Seventh Inning (Brought to you by Bill Lee striking out Tony Perez in �75 and celebrating with a big fat spliff): Glavine on the mound � just picked him up on my No Yankees Allowed Fantasy Team!...Lawton singles, and Sheffield hits into a DP. HAHAHAHA!!!...Young grounds out, inning over...Here comes Ruben Studdard to Sing God Bless America - what a strange coincidence that FOX has the �American Idol� winners singing in this game. Is there nothing that cannot be co-opted anymore? Oh well � no Clay Aiken sightings yet.
AL Eighth Inning (Brought to you by Harry Frazee falling off a cliff in 1918): Brewers� Ben Sheets on the mound � this guy is underrated and SCARY�.makes the Indians� Belliard look just plain silly on a K�Victor Martinez grounds out�Tejada up � chin music, full count, groundout. Nobody knows who Ben Sheets is, and if you are playing in a fantasy league with morons, make sure you pick him up. Unfortunately, I am not in a league filled with morons, but this guy is an elite pitcher on the verge!
AL Ninth Inning (Brought to you by YankeesSuck.com Editor Beth, who hopefully hasn�t decided to fire me by now): Crap. I used to really LIKE Tom Gordon. Why�d he have to go become a Yankee? McCarver just said �reflections on deflections�. FIRE HIM. NOW�Gagne in�Ortiz looks relieved just to get wood on the ball�McCarver wasting time with a love letter to Mariano Rivera�blah, blah, blah�SHUT UP, TIM�Gagne walks Ortiz�Gagne/Blalock Round 2�Gagne wins this one with a weak pop-out�Matsui up�Damnit Torre, you baggy-eyed Lurch wannabe - get Carlos Guillen in there! You deny the kid in his first All-Star game so you can get 3 ABs for your spoiled brat shortstop? Yuck Foo!...Godzilla, take a seat. You have just been destroyed by Gagne�s Mothra of a fastball...Lawton up � Lawton down. Woof! Gagne is GOOD.
I now have to steel myself for the Mariano Rivera LoveFest. Wake me when it�s over!
Postgame: Final Score: A.L. 9, N.L. 4. McCarver hit the Mr. Intangible Over/Under�in ONE INNING. Very impressive! A.L. has the Home Field Advantage in the World Series now�so go get �em, you Bostons! And take Randy Johnson with you!
ESPN Quote Of The Week: �If he goes 0 for his next 50, you still can�t boo him!� � Stuart Scott on Derek Jeter.
