A Letter From the Center for Disease Control

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner,

We are writing to inform you that the Yankees Stadium Clubhouse is nearing condemned status. Our inspectors have informed us that due to numerous violations, outlined below, the Yankees Clubhouse may be closed for quarantine as soon as next week.

Please see to it that the following infractions are remedied immediately:

1. Influenza - It is noted that a flu-like illness has been making the rounds in your locker room. It is important that those lockers which adjoin that of Mr. Rodriquez and Mr. Posada are disinfected without delay. Simple household cleaners such as Lysol Disinfectant Spray work wonderfully, and should be used on a regular basis.

2. Conjunctiva - Commonly known as 'Pink Eye.' Our report shows Mr. Javier Vazquez as the sole sufferer of Pink Eye, but please realize that Conjunctiva is very contagious. Due to the obvious lack of hygiene in your locker room, we ask that Mr. Vazquez refrain from contact with any members of the Yankees organization until he has finished his bottle of antibiotics.

3. Entamoeba Histolytica - Staff doctors informed us that Mr. Jason Giambi is suffering from a potentially deadly parasite known as Entamoeba Histolytica. Please note that this parasite exists only in the host and in fresh feces. When swallowed it causes infections by excysting (becoming active) in the digestive tract. Entamoeba Histolytica is prominent and deadly in third world countries, which has the whole CDC scratching our heads over where Mr. Giambi contracted this parasite. Our remedy for this situation consists of two steps. First, make sure you clean your locker rooms, bathrooms and kitchens thoroughly. Also, require all Yankees Clubhouse chefs to wash their hands after using the facilities.

4. Leptospirosis - While no member of the Yankees has been formally diagnosed with Leptospirosis, we warn you that an infection is imminent. Leptospirosis is a disease spread by contact with urine. As our report informs us, Mr. Posada is partial to urinating on his own hands. Please take note that Leptospirosis' symptoms include high fever, severe headache, chills, muscle aches and vomiting and may include abdominal pain, diarrhea or a rash. These symptoms have been observed in Mr. Rodriquez, Mr. Posada, and Mr. Giambi. Please have these gentlemen, as well as the rest of your team, tested for Leptospirosis at once. Also see to it that Mr. Posada refrains from unecessary urination.

Please note that if the above infractions are not remedied immediately, we will be forced to close your facilities.

Sincerely,
Heywood U. Vashup
New York Representative
Center for Disease Control