Yankee Science
By fuzzmartin
George Steinbrenner should pull out the "golden checkbook" and purchase a team of staff scientists, because lately the Yankees have looked like the red-headed step-children of Enrico Fermi.
Yankees on Physics
Newton said "Objects in motion tend to stay in motion." The Yankees still have not realized this as they continue to fall in the standings and the Red Sox continue to rise. Only by applying equal and opposite pressure may they climb out of their slump and regain their separation in the A.L. East.
Newton also said "Objects at rest tend to stay at rest." Kevin Brown didn't realize this when he punched his throwing hand against the wall, crushing his precious metacarpels and the Yankees pitching rotation. Even an armchair physicist would have said "Kevin, the wall is anchored by concrete and steel. The force exerted by your hand is not strong enough to break through the wall matter, but is strong enough to shatter your tiny little bones. I would consider not punching the wall, or, if you must, hit it with your left hand." After surgery, Kevin will be out for a minimum of 3 weeks.
Yankees on Meteorology
Any meteorologist would have been able to tell Big Stein that a heated mass of moisture and low pressure can cause winds in excess of 200 M.P.H. which devastate homes and the families of those in Eastern Atlantic climates. Hurricanes also can cause Major League Baseball teams to cancel their flights to New York.
Yankees on Psychology
Mr. Steinbrenner obviously suffers from Impulse Control Disorder (ICD) which causes him to spend money at the drop of a hat. Having a nickname for your preferred method of payment, such as "the Golden Checkbook" is a tell-tale sign of ICD.
If the Red Sox come any closer to leading the division, I am sure that a number of Yankees will come down with Trichotillomania - a disorder which causes the inflicted to pull their own hair out as a means of tension relief.
Yankees on Chemistry
A chemist on hand could analyze the effects of HGH and Anabolic Steroids on the human pituitary gland. This also has cost benefits to Mr. Steinbrenner as finding out the exact cause of Jason Giambi's tumor could lead to lower insurance premiums for Yankees who are currently following the Giambi supplementation program.
Yankees on Biology
Parasites, tumors, viruses, and frequent urination on one's self (may be pyschological as well) are all issues that are well suited for a staff biologist. Also, the most disgusting of the issues can be kept in-house instead of being farmed out to other biology firms. This might suppress the results from leaking to the press.
