Yankee Fans Demand Win
By Potfry
New York Police had more than they could handle over night as a large group of Yankee fans gathered near City Hall to call for a federal investigation into the Yankees' early season struggles.
Chanting "We Pay More, We Deserve More" and "If We Wanted to Lose, We'd Live in Kansas City," the group began to gather shortly after the Yankees' loss to the Texas Rangers, and grew in size and righteous indignation as the evening turned to morning.
“We’re calling for Mayor Bloomberg to get involved, because there is clearly something vile and corrupt at work in the Yankee organization,” said protest organizer, season ticket holder, and New York lawyer Ben Arnold. “On Monday, we are filing a suit in city court requiring the Yankees to immediately cease and desist from losing. We are also demanding a World Series victory as rightful compensation for our pain and suffering over the past 3 weeks.”
A nearby Starbucks stayed open throughout the night, providing the crowd with free mocha-frappa-wappa-lattes, which only seemed to fuel their simmering displeasure.
“I’m a busy man,” said investment banker Ken Matthews. “I’ve got a big job with huge, important responsibilities, and a family that I see mostly on weekends. I need to know that certain things in my life are just going to be there, and the Yankees’ winning is one of them.”
Some wondered aloud what sort of impact the Yankees 7-11 record would have on their children.
“I won’t let my daughter watch TV or read the newspaper,” said suburban housewife Jan Smith. “I can’t have her seeing this sort of thing. Next thing you know, she’ll think it’s OK for her soccer team to lose. What happens next? Where does it stop?”
Arnold also revealed that the police were being petitioned to issue arrest warrants for Kevin Brown and Bernie Williams.
“They are simply violating our standards of decency,” he explained. “They need to be taken off the street.”
At a certain point, a man wearing a Milwaukee Brewers hat wandered through the crowd, and things got tense. He was showered with chants of “Small Market Loser” and “Give Us Ben Sheets or we’ll buy Milwaukee and call it New York West” as police ushered him past the highly caffeinated crowd.
City Hall had no comment.
