Jeter The Next Robinson??!!

Jeter the Next Jackie Robinson? Has ESPN.com Lost Its Mind?

In the 37 years I have resided on Planet Earth, I have acquired two heroes�two idols�two icons.

James Marshall Hendrix and Jack Roosevelt Robinson.

My devotion to the stellar works of the former is most likely better given to a different website than this one, but the memory and life of the latter has been unspeakably trivialized � by someone who calls himself a professional sportswriter � and I won�t stand for it.

Today, on the front page of ESPN.com, there resides a story entitled, "Jeter closest we have to modern-day Jackie". I will not paste excerpts of the article, because said article is an ESPN Insider story (that�s right, you have to PAY to read this�), but I will summarize. And then I will tell you why this is the single most disturbing piece of sports "journalism" I have ever read.

The article, written by Gary Gillette, author of ESPN�s Baseball Encyclopedia (more�s the pity�) puts forth the proposition that the statistical and intangible similarities between Robinson and Jeter make the Yankee shortstop the modern-day Jackie. And although Gillette gives a brief conciliatory lip service to the withering obstacles that Robinson faced when he broke baseball�s color barrier in 1947, he�s far more concerned with elevating Jeter to a status he simply does not deserve.

And while Jeter deification is practically a cottage industry in and of itself (see: McCarver, Tim), this really isn�t on Jeter. The truth is that there is NO modern player comparable to Jackie Robinson�and that�s a good thing.

Robinson�s ascent to the majors was the brainchild of Brooklyn Dodgers GM Branch Rickey � that much we all know. What is given relatively little acknowledgment in the grand scheme of things is that whatever Jackie Robinson did or did not do on the diamond has to be severely mitigated by the fact that not only was he subject to horrific ostracism and cruelty, but he was forced to keep quiet about it for his first two years on the major leagues. Rickey believed (rightly so) that if Robinson answered every curse with a curse�every fight with a fight�that the prejudice against black players would be validated. Rickey asked Jackie Robinson if he had the courage NOT to fight back�and he had selected the right man.

But the price Jackie Robinson paid was unbelievable.

What Gillette never brought up in his article is that Derek Jeter has NEVER had to deal with other players turning their backs on him � in fact, signing a petition that they would not play on the same field as he did. Several Dodgers did so in the spring of 1947, only to be told by Rickey and manager Leo Durocher that if those players did not wish to play with Robinson�well, they could get their releases right away.

Derek Jeter has NEVER had to deal with having his leg gashed open at first base with the spikes of an opponent, as Jackie did by Enos "Country" Slaughter. Derek Jeter has NEVER had to deal with nine innings of contemptuous and obscene racial slurs hurled at him from opposing players and managers. Derek Jeter has NEVER come close to a nervous breakdown because he had to take the lashes alone without retort.

Jackie Robinson did all these things, in part, so that Derek Jeter would never have to.

It is an insult of infinite proportions to compare any modern player to Robinson. It is a locked door to the past and the lessons we have all learned because there were men like Jackie who were courageous enough to elevate America itself, even if he was nearly crushed in the process.

When Gillette actually suggests that Jeter should be allowed � nay, encouraged � to wear Robinson�s retired #42 on the back of his own jersey, he commits the unforgivable sin of shoving aside a priceless legacy in favor of a quick pen and a likely directive to again spin Derek Jeter onto a level he wouldn�t have the slightest idea how to handle.

When you look at Robinson�s career numbers, you must consider the mitigating factors. You cannot throw those intangibles away.

Simply put, Jackie Robinson was one of the greatest athletes in American history � excelling in baseball, football, basketball and track � and had he enjoyed the advantages of a level playing field, there�s little doubt his numbers would have been far better.

But the numbers don�t really matter. Jackie Robinson had to be good enough to back up his mission, and he was. That�s all I care about. I don�t care what his career average was. I don�t care how many bases he stole. When an athlete so obviously transcends simple numbers, he has earned the right to be judged with a larger view by those who analyze such things.

Unless your name is Gary Gillette, and you�re more interested in mortgaging the past in favor of good placement on the world�s most popular website�

...and the confirmation that you have absolutely no idea what Jackie Robinson did for America, Derek Jeter, and all of us.

There Are No Yankees in Football

The World Champion New England Patriots opened NFL 2004 at home last Thursday against the Indianapolis Colts, the team that the Pats bushwhacked in last year's AFC Championship on the way to their second Super Bowl win in three years. New England's 27-24 repeat victory in the opener was an indicative object lesson in how to create the building blocks of a dynasty when all the cards are stacked against you. This, my friends, is a different level we're observing here.

It's no secret that parity rules the NFL, and that's how the NFL wants it. From Pete Rozelle to Paul Tagliabue, the league has been on a 44-year mission of equality that works in theory (and often in practice). There hasn't been a repeat Super Bowl winner since the 1997-1998 Broncos. From 2002 to 2003, exactly ONE TEAM (the Philadelphia Eagles, who went 12-4 both seasons) retained their record from the season before. In addition, only 10 of the 32 NFL teams retained their identical division positions, and only five of the twelve 2003 playoff teams were involved in the postseason in 2002. The NFL creates excitement that Major League Baseball can't, because so many more teams start a season legitimately believing that they've got a solid shot at the brass ring. There are no Yankees in the NFL'thank GOD.

But in the burgeoning middle class, where prosperity is an elixir meant to be shared, the Patriots seem to be stating a case that no matter how much you lower the ceiling and raise the floor�a team that plays to achieve overall perfection over the glorification of the individual will always beat the house.

There are several teams that may have more pure talent than New England on a player-by-player basis, but the only other time I�ve seen a team play in concert at this level is when I treat myself to highlights of the 1972 Miami Dolphins � the only undefeated team in NFL history. Those Dolphins, like these Patriots, were the smartest team in the league � by far. Bill Arnsparger, the defensive coordinator of those Dolphins, once said that after watching every defensive down of the �72 season, he saw only thirteen mental mistakes.

Thirteen. In the entire season.

The Patriots have won sixteen regular and post-season games in a row, two short of the record that the �72-�73 Dolphins established. And they�ve done this by borrowing the Dolphins� template. Throw the high-percentage pass. Call the right play. Know what your opponents are doing � sometimes before they themselves know � through study and instinct. Hang on to the ball in traffic. Don�t over-pursue. Wrap up the tackle. Play the right angle and always, always, ALWAYS be the most prepared team on the field.

After the New England-Indianapolis rematch, I e-mailed a friend and told him that to me, the Willie McGinest sack of Peyton Manning that took the Colts out of field goal range late in the fourth quarter and killed any chance they had of tying or winning the game almost seemed an inevitability. It was a close game, but whenever you try to pin the Pats, they slip through your restraints. Manning might be the most perfectly engineered quarterback in the NFL today, but when crunchtime came around, it was McGinest who beat his man and grabbed the sack while Manning was caught short going through his reads. Once again, it�s what you do as opposed to what you could have done that matters.

That�s why the Patriots are the league�s elite, and it�s why every other team will have to step it up mentally to unseat them and reach that level themselves. Mental toughness eradicates the "little things"�road losses, surprise suspensions, dropped passes, late-game defensive implosions�that stop a team, no matter how gifted, dead in its tracks.

Editor's Note: Doug Farrar is the talented editor of www.Seahawks.net. This story can be read in its entirety on that site.

Goodbye, Baseball!

The Yankees� 11-3 Friday night demolition of the Seattle Mariners was just the latest in a series of harrowing and humiliating reversals of fortune for the Emerald City�s baseball club. Ex-Mariner John Olerud�s 2-run single, which was the deciding factor in the Yanks� 6-4 win on Saturday, didn�t really help either. While Yankee fans prepare for another greased bobsled run to the postseason and Red Sox fans confidently await wild-card status, Seattle sports fans have much less to keep them occupied these days.

Unless you�re a Seahawks diehard, in which case you�re spending more time reading training camp reports than you are paying attention to a team which has been dismantled by what is quite possibly the stupidest, most arrogant, most inexcusably clueless front office in the history of baseball.

How bad is it in Seattle? Well, if you look at the numbers, you see that in both 2002 and 2003, the M�s finished the season with identical 93-69 records, not good enough for the playoffs in either year due to the brutal division they play in, but certainly nothing to sneeze at. In 2004, the Mariners (who stand at 43-73 as I write this) are on pace to lose over 100 games (actually, they�ll probably lose more than that, as they�ll finish off this disaster of a season with the rest of the AL West beating the living snot out of them while fighting for postseason berths). It will be one of the worst (and most likely the least excusable and most avoidable) collapses in the history of major league baseball.

How bad is it in Seattle, I ask again? Let�s look at some of the worst single season collapses in MLB history, and the reasons behind them:

1915 Philadelphia Athletics, 43-109 (-56). After winning four pennants and three World Series in five years, the Athletics set the standard for misery. Connie Mack's decision to dismantle his famed $100,000 infield as well as his pitching staff cemented their demise. The A�s finished in last place for seven straight seasons, five of them with at least 100 losses. Mack rebuilt the Athletics in the late 1920�s and early 1930�s, only to dismantle them yet again for as much cash as his players would bring.

1998 Florida Marlins, 54-108 (-38). The largest of the recent declines, the Marlins were gutted after their 1997 World Series victory. The departures of Charles Johnson, Jeff Conine, Bobby Bonilla, Gary Sheffield, Moises Alou, Devon White, Kevin Brown, Al Leiter, and Robb Nen virtually assured a last-place finish in 1998. The youthful Marlins improved by 10 games to 64-98 in 1999. Their resurgence to World Champion status in 2003 is made all the more amazing when you consider the fact that they�re owned by noted Expo-killer Jeff Loria.

1921 Chicago White Sox, 62-92 (-34). When eight of your players are banned for life after throwing the World Series, your team tends to suffer.

In the cases of the Athletics and Marlins, you�re dealing with salary dumps on a colossal scale (explain to me again how Bowie Kuhn was allowed to overrule Charlie Finley�s sale of Rollie Fingers, Joe Rudi and Vida Blue???). In the case of the �21 Sox, you�re dealing with the banning for life of eight players, including your best pitcher (Eddie Cicotte) and your best hitter (Shoeless Joe!). Now, THAT�S an excuse for tanking a season.

But when you�ve basically kept your payroll the same, you didn�t lose too many major players in the offseason and you�re one of the richest franchises in the sport�well, somebody has to be screwing things up on a truly colossal scale. The 2004 Seattle Mariners are on pace for a single season plummet anywhere from 35 to 45 games in one season. Who�s responsible?

Howard Lincoln (CEO)
Seattle�s Public Enemy Number One, and with good reason. Since asserting control of the team in the late 1990�s. Lincoln, in concert with longtime team president Chuck Armstrong, has endeavored to build the Mariners in his image. Problem? Howard Lincoln has no more business deciding what is good or bad for a baseball team than your grandmother. Actually, if your grandmother ever played any slow-pitch softball, she�d do a better job.

Lincoln was brought in by the M�s mostly absentee Nintendo-led Japanese ownership. His �qualifications� were that he had enjoyed a distinguished career in corporate law and that he had been large and in charge at Nintendo for a number of years. Impressive, but not exactly what you want in a guy making actual baseball decisions.

Lincoln has proven to have a number of major flaws in his personality. He is arrogant, closed-minded, autocratic, and seems to have a true gift for making a bad situation worse every time he opens his mouth. When Lincoln and former manager Lou Piniella couldn�t get along and Piniella asked to be let out of his contract in 2002, it was the beginning of the establishment of The Lincoln Way � shut your mouth and don�t EVER argue with management (the Yankees regained Jeff Nelson in 2003 solely because Nellie busted M�s management in the press for their chronic inability to act at the trade deadline). Lincoln can only handle working with malleable �yes-men�. As you can imagine, that policy leaves the most talented baseball men out of the loop.

While perceived as �cheap�, Lincoln�s real trouble is that he is not savvy enough to understand the value of true and intelligent diversity �in the front office or on the field. The M�s currently have a payroll of anywhere from $80 - $95 million, depending on who you believe. Lincoln himself would like the fanbase to believe that the organization is doing everything it can to acquire and keep talented players. Problem is, the proof is in the one variable he can�t control � the baseball diamond.

Even if the M�s payroll is actually south of $80 million, that shouldn�t matter. The last two World Champions had payrolls of approximately $60 million (Angels) and $50 million (Marlins). And since I�m writing this for a website called �YankeesSuck.com�, I�m assuming that you readers know that no matter HOW much money you sink into a team, it doesn�t really guarantee anything. If you�re just under $200 million in payroll scratch and your primary starter is Tanyon Sturtze for a time�well, you just aren�t too damn smart. With intelligent baseball men making the decisions, a third of the Yankees� payroll is more than enough to field a competitive team on a consistent basis. What do the Mariners have in their �braintrust�?

Pat Gillick (Former GM, Current Consultant), Bill Bavasi (Current GM)
When he stayed home in Toronto during the 2003 trade deadline and didn�t even work the phones, Pat Gillick was in for an earful from local fans and sportswriters. What we didn�t know at the time was that Gillick had been ordered by Lincoln not to pursue any deals of merit. There was a chance that Seattle might have acquired Aaron Boone, but the Yankees�well, you guys know that story.

In truth, Gillick was the primary architect of the team that won 116 games in 2001, pulling off skilled deals for Aaron Sele, Paul Abbott, Mark McLemore, Bret Boone, Arthur Rhodes and others. While Jim Coburn was primarily responsible for the M�s wresting Ichiro away from the Orix Blue Wave (and the Yankees, heh heh heh�), Gillick did his job well as long as he was allowed to.

When Gillick stepped down in 2003 (no doubt frustrated by the front office�s lack of anything resembling intelligence or aggressiveness), the M�s hired Bill Bavasi, formerly of the Angels and Dodgers. While Bavasi is sometimes given credit for assembling the Angels team that won the 2002 World Series, it was just as much the bush-beating of Whitey Herzog in the early 90�s that put that team together. In any case, Bavasi came on and immediately transacted some business that had many scratching their heads.

Bavasi let shortstop Carlos Guillen go to the Detroit Tigers.To replace him, Bavasi attempted to acquire the horrifically overrated and overpaid Omar Vizquel. Fortunately for all involved, Vizquel failed his physical. Unfortunately for all involved, the M�s took a pass on Miguel Tejada and signed Rich Aurilia of the Giants instead. History will show that Aurilia was so bad in Seattle that the M�s recently traded him to the Padres for a bag of Red Man Chewing Tobacco and three Mizuno bats. Now, Guillen, Vizquel AND the National League version of Aurilia are all out-producing 20 year-old Jose Lopez, the supposed wunderkind who currently mans the shortstop position.

Aurilia, Scott Spiezio, Dave Hansen, Raul Ibanez�every offseason signing by the team had a few factors in common. The Mariners seem to want to field a team with 25 interchangeable �bench guys�, believing that the intrinsic value of the collective will outweigh the excellence of the individual. Wrong answer! Chuck Armstrong�s incredible assertion that Dan Wilson and Ben Davis combined would equal the production of Ivan Rodriguez (another free agent the M�s passed on) is but the dumbest example of this. The Mariners do not want �boat-rockers� � they value what they call �veteran clubhouse presence� over all else, and it had better come cheap and without a long contract. The �nice-guy� factor outweighs a high OPS or a low ERA just about every time in Marinerland.

While Bavasi did score big in the Freddy Garcia deal, there�s little to suggest that he has what it takes to rebuild this team � and even if he does have the skills, there is absolutely no guarantee whatsoever that this front office will give him what he needs to do so. You have to wonder about the intelligence of a man who would accept this position when the M�s FO is notorious nationwide.

Even if Bavasi is nothing more than a �yes-man�, there�s no doubt where the REAL problem is here on a day-to-day basis�it�s the manager who makes Terry Francona look like Casey Stengel.

Bob Melvin (Reputed �Manager�)
Put simply, Bob Melvin couldn�t win a game of �Strat-O-Matic Baseball� if he was playing against himself with a pair of loaded dice. Bob Melvin couldn�t win a game of �MVP Baseball 2005� if he had the AL All-Star team WITHOUT Derek Jeter and he was playing the Kansas City Royals on the �Rookie� setting. Put simply, Bob Melvin is the worst manager in the history of the Seattle Mariners, and for a team that has called Maury Wills and the mummified version of Dick Williams �Skipper�, that�s saying something.

When Melvin (the bench coach of the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks, quite possibly the most fundamentally incompetent team ever to win the World Series) was named the M�s manager before the 2003 season, I figured that either the team was also planning to get Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling from the D-Backs as well, or that Lincoln and Armstrong were a mite confused and had actually intended to hire DOUG Melvin.

Alas. We soon found that the M�s had indeed hired �The Brains Behind Bob Brenly� (HA!!!) on purpose. Why? Because Melvin is what is known as a �consensus-builder�. In other words, he knows what to kiss, whose to kiss and where to kiss it. He has absolutely no other qualifications to manage a big-league baseball team. If I had a young son, I�d start a riot if Melvin was made manager of his Little League team. He can�t manage veterans because he doesn�t command respect, and he can�t manage kids because he doesn�t know more than they know. Other than that, he�s great!

Melvin has two speeds � fast in the wrong direction, and asleep at the wheel. While he seems to be blissfully unaware of things like pitch counts and matchups, he does enjoy being proactive when doing things like insisting that Ichiro Suzuki take more first pitches. Right, Bob! Take the single most dangerous first-ball-fastball hitter since I Don�t Know Who and make him wait. Why? Beats me. But until Melvin rescinded his ridiculous edict and let Ichi-san go his own way, Suzuki was mired in a horrific �slump�.

What do you call a man who tries to destroy the greatest leadoff hitter since Rickey Henderson? You call him many things, and none of them are useable on this fine family website.

Paul Molitor (Reputed �Hitting Coach�)
Well, I thought this was a good idea at first. How could it not be? You bring on one of the best hitters of the last 50 years, a first-ballot Hall-Of-Famer in 2004, a man with gap power to teach players how to exploit the pitchers� park that Safeco Field is. Unfortunately, this is either a situation where the man�s too busy heading off to Cooperstown and getting things named after him in Milwaukee, Toronto and Minnesota�or perhaps it�s a case of �Those who can do, can�t teach�. The Mariner hitters Molitor inherited were never going to be mistaken for Murderers� Row, but what is truly worrisome here is the instant success enjoyed by any Ex-Mariner.

Next week: Goodbye, Baseball, Part Two. How do you, as a group of players, tank it so spectacularly all at once?

Radio-Friendly Unit Shifte -- 1998 Redux?

"If you don't trade him to the Yankees, you are going to have one unhappy player." -- Randy Johnson's agent, Barry Meister

"And how would I tell the difference?" - Diamondbacks GM Joe Garagiola, Jr.

Here we go again.

For the second time in his Hall Of Fame career, Randy Johnson has decided that it is his obligation to hold hostage the team he is playing for. After trying to deal the Big Unit to several teams per his request, the D-Backs have now been issued the following chilling ultimatum by Johnson and his representatives:

"It's the Yankees or nothing".

With the ability to veto any deal, Johnson holds all the cards in this fiasco. And he's going to (apparently) use that juice to become the latest in a sickeningly long line of players kneeling in line for the Steinbrenner green like altar boys waiting for communion wafers.

In the same year he amassed 4,000 career strikeouts and became the oldest pitcher in major league history to throw a perfect game, Johnson will most likely be remembered for another defining characteristic -- a prickly, moody, loner personality that often has had him on the outs with the same executives, teammates and fans who nonetheless admired his unbelievable talent. Like Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds, Randy has often been revered, but seldom liked. And he's never seemed to care.

As a longtime Mariner fan, I'll remember him as the "who the HELL is that guy" throw-in the M's got as part of a trade for then-ace Mark Langston in 1989. Like the embryonic Koufax, he had demon speed and little control � just another Steve Dalkowski/Newk Laloosh �million-dollar arm and a five-cent head� guy.

But through the early 1990's, Johnson slowly found his groove. He sought counsel from Nolan Ryan, perfected the nastiest slider in baseball history and drew strength from teammates like Griffey and A-Rod (back when he resembled a human being), as well as fire-breathing manager Lou Piniella. By 1995, he was ready. And in the season that defined the Mariners, he was the rock � he went 18-2 with a 2.49 ERA, with 294 strikeouts and 65 walks. An evil glare, a ridiculous wingspan and an old-school attitude made him the most intimidating pitcher in baseball.

Through the '96 and '97 seasons, he kept up his brilliant performance level, beginning to establish himself as a dominant lefty on the level of Koufax and Carlton. And then, in 1998, all hell broke loose.

A free agent at the end of the '98 season, Johnson opened negotiations with Chuck Armstrong, the M's offensive and clueless vice-president. Bad move � Armstrong (still the team's president today) never met a negotiation he couldn't bollix or a player he couldn't devalue and offend. Johnson had rabbit ears anyway � when Armstrong began to insinuate in the press that he was washed up and that the team could do just as well without him, Randy was as good as gone after '98.

He sulked through the first half of the year, going 9-10 with a 4.33 ERA. Desperate to get him off the books and make some sort of positive from that which they had wrought, the M's unloaded him to the Astros at the trade deadline for prospects Freddy Garcia, Carlos Guillen and John Halama. After joining the Astros, the Big Unit reeled off 10 wins in 11 starts, posting a 1.28 ERA along with four shutouts.

The Astros hoped to ride the Unit to the World Series that year, but he went 0-2 in the NLDS against the Padres and headed off to Arizona. From 1999-2003, he authored one of the more dominant extended pitching performances we'll ever see, and he picked up the World Series ring he had wanted all along in 2001, beating the snot out of the Yankees (HA!).

And now, with the D-Backs in flux, and an owner in Jerry Colangelo who has proven to possess the financial acumen of a stoat, Johnson will get on his horse and ride off - the man with no name again.

There is a collective of people who will say that Randy Johnson had every right to be angry with Chuck Armstrong, every right to be frustrated with the Diamondbacks' current woes and every right to look out for his own best interests. And to a point, those people would be correct.

But what those people fail to understand is that part of the reason you give a player as much money as the Diamondbacks have given Johnson ($17 million this year) is an implicit agreement that the player will do everything in his power to lift his teammates to victory. That maybe, just maybe, that player will serve as an example to the younger players on his team (the same sort of example Nolan Ryan � a pitcher on an opposing team � was to Johnson early on).

This implicit agreement means nothing to Randy Johnson. So, he will most likely head off to the one place where victory is virtually guaranteed � the one place where victory is about as meaningful as his own sense of obligation. And emotionally, it is very difficult for me to drop the illusion I had of a player I always admired.

I'll always remember the 6�10� pitcher with the evil glare and the snappy slider. But the man became a little smaller in all of this.

Looking at it objectively, however, we have to ask ourselves the following questions:

Q. If Randy Johnson had demanded a trade to ANY OTHER TEAM, would we be crying foul?

A. No. The Yankees are fundamentally evil, they must be stopped, and Johnson's sudden and repulsive urge to wear the pinstripes is but another manifestation of that fact.

Q. Does George Steinbrenner have every right to monopolize baseball and treat it as his own personal Costco?

A. Yes, he does. If you live in a country where theft is legal and you rob everyone in your community of everything they own on the basic principle of, "I WANT IT! MINE! MINE! MINE!", you are "playing by the rules". You are also likely guaranteeing yourself an all-expenses-paid trip to the place where the little red guy with the pitchfork does his business (if you happen to believe in such concepts).

Q. Should folks like Bud Selig, Don Fehr and Gene Orza be vivisected as a group for letting things get this bad?

A. Yes. As a matter of fact, you could sell tickets.

Q. Does it bother George Steinbrenner that he's regarded by most as a fat, soulless, criminal badger's ass who is ruining baseball for his own selfish reasons?

A. No. �Nice� team owners aren't the subjects of withering biographies, �SportsCentury� documentaries, �Seinfeld� episodes, and VISA commercials. Mr. Steinbrenner understands that true bastards live forever in the public consciousness. And if you ask that question again, Mr. Steinbrenner will buy YOU and force you to appear on the Tim McCarver Show.

Q. AIEEE!

Why Doesn't McCarver GET IT???

RE: FOX - Any network that would give Kevin Kennedy a job analyzing baseball without the words "at gunpoint" being involved...well, that's what you've got to deal with. Not satisfied with co-opting every PLAYER they desire as if it is their divine right, the Wankos now stoop to buying broadcasters. Wasn't it FOX's Thom Brenneman who said that Manny was everything that was wrong with baseball after he DARED to observe his own HR (gasp) in last year's ALCS? I'm going from memory here, but that sounds like what happened. Former ESPN broadcaster Charley Steiner is now hawking World Series Replica Rings on the YES Network? Hmmm�

Joe Buck is a nothing but a multi-purpose stooge. What I fail to understand about McCarver is that not only was he the starting catcher on the Cards' team that beat the Wanks in the 1964 WS, but he actually spent time in the mid-70's as a backup catcher for the Carmine Hose! That�s right, folks�and Bill Lee disclosed in his FABULOUS book, �The Wrong Stuff�, Timmy was nicknamed �Old Second Inning�, due to his habit of taking a dump before the second inning of every game. If you talk to people like Bob Gibson (who�s worthy of anyone�s respect), you�ll hear that McCarver�s a great person. It�s just too bad that he�s taken the �dump� aspect of his career to a new metaphoric extent as a broadcaster.

To paraphrase Mr. Lee, there�s an easy solution to this problem � send Rick Burleson and Rico Petrocelli up to the booth. A little �Red Sox Red-A**� behavior� would shut those lumberheads up!

Special "Yankees Suck" All-Star Game Diary!

Since I�ve been too busy to blog for a few days, there�s one thing I have to rant about before we get started:

When Eric Gagne�s save streak was snapped last week, why did EVERYONE rush to compare and contrast it with DiMaggio�s hitting streak? Joe D, Joe D, Joe D. Is there a clause in the contract of every national baseball writer and announcer that they MUST mention a Yankee every 25 words?

Blech.

You want a streak? Try Orel Hershiser�s 59+ scoreless innings in a row. Where�s THAT comparison? C�mon�the man was a Dodger pitcher (like Gagne), and if you ask me, Hershiser�s run was far more impressive. Did you know that DiMaggio went 1-for-3, 4, or 5 a whopping 35 times during those 56 games? Plus the fact that he had a bunch of drunk New York writers up there scoring for him when they weren�t kissing his butt and falling all over themselves in a mad attempt to deify him�PUH-LEEZE.

Let�s talk about pressure. Try pitching 6 � games of scoreless baseball in the middle of a pennant race. You make one mistake, it�s all over. You can�t blow it two or three times out of four and keep it going. You have to be near-perfect�all the time. Not to mention the fact that the 1988 Dodgers were below the league average in fielding percentage and double plays. Orel Hershiser got no help. And he knew that if he didn�t have an all-time season, the Dodgers probably wouldn�t have made the playoffs. But since he had the NERVE to play for a Non-Yankee Entity (the fool!), he�ll never get the credit he deserves�except on YankeesSuck.com.

Why? Because it is our mission to blow the sickening Yankee mythology to smithereenies! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

OK�rant over. On to the action:

Pregame: AL recaps only�and I�m loath to mention the damn Clemens-Piazza thing at all, except to say that I lost any bit of respect I ever had for the Mets organization when they didn�t have their pitchers throw right at Clemens� head in that first Yankee-Met series at Shea a couple of years ago. After all, �being the bigger person� has never been Roger Clemens� concern�why should it be anyone else�s when he�s got a bat in his hands? Tonight, he�s going to throw a number of pitches, and Piazza will catch a number of them and throw them back. Ooooooh. How exciting.

Over/Under on the number of times Tim McCarver becomes so excited about Derek Jeter that he has to change his pants: 7.

Pretty decent boos for Jeter when announced�and what on EARTH is Giambi starting an All-Star Game with his numbers? Is this some sort of deal with BALCO?

�Batting sixth for the National League�and hopefully charging the mound after the first pitch�New York Mets catcher Mike Piazza!�

National anthem sung by �American Idol� winner �Fantasia�, who is wearing earrings the approximate size of the hole in Jeff Cirillo�s swing.

First pitch: Muhammad Ali. Giant. Godlike. Goosebumps. What more can you say?

That�s right, Derek�make sure you�re next to Ali at all times. Get those photo ops while you can, you slimeball�

AL First Inning (Brought to you by the dumb Marvel Comics Movie Du Jour): First pitch from Clemens to Piazza�ball one to Ichiro. Move along, people. Nothing to see here�Message to Joe Buck � it�s �EEE-CHEE-RO�, you moron�Again cursing the Mariners� �front office� for denying us Pudge�EEE-CHEE-RO scores on the I-Rod triple, which must be a foreign concept to him of late�Five minutes and I�m already sick of McCarver. That�s about right�WOOT! Manny hits �El Potato� and Clemens is down 3-0. BWAHAHAHA!!!...Big K for A-Fraud � so far, this is a YankeesSuck.com dream�Mr. Intestinal Parasite reaches on a Jeff Kent error�Mr. Intangible chops a single, and McCarver is strangely quiet. Lovers� tiff?...El Potato #2 from Soriano as Clemens goes down 6-0, and Mark Mulder mercifully strikes out. AL hits for the cycle in the first and sends the Rocket back to the trailer park. BeeeeeYOUTiful!

AL Second Inning (Brought to you by the dumb Will Smith Movie Du Jour): EEE-CHEE-RO back in the saddle, groundout�Randy Johnson warming up. No truth to the rumor that Steinbrenner and Selig will have the Unit pitching for the AL by the 7th inning�I-Rod 2 for 2 � Damn you, Howard Lincoln!!!...�Pudge Loves Yanni� segment VERY disturbing�Manny grounds out to Renteria, inning over�Fox cheezos beating the Yanni joke to death. McCarver picturing a tropical island�just him and Derek�Yanni music in the background�OK, I better stop now.

AL Third Inning (Brought to you by Karl Ravech�s hairpiece): RANDEEEEEEE! Don�t listen to those pinstriped wankers when they come up and try to sell you�Unit breaks A-Fraud�s bat for out #1�Scooter the Cartoon Ball needs to be on the receiving end of a Lance Berkman Special�Mr. Intestinal Parasite gets a single off the Unit� Mr. Intangible gets a single off the Unit, and McCarver is AGAIN strangely quiet � what�s going on here?�Looking at Soriano, I don�t know � if I have a choice between him and A-Fraud over the next five years, I wonder if Texas didn�t get the better deal�Fonzie singles to load the bases�Unit strikes out KC�s Harvey on a SICK breaker� EEE-CHEE-RO grounds out and the Unit emerges unscathed�Randy? Next stop, Boston!!!

AL Fourth Inning (Brought to you by the $20 million in missing Mariner payroll): Cubs� Carlos Zambrano on the mound (the most underrated pitcher in the NL)�Pudge almost beats out an infield single � GAWD, he�s fast for a catcher�Giambi miked up on first talking to Bonds about soft spikes � shouldn�t he be soliciting batting tips?...Ortiz in for Manny, and Zambrano wisely walks him�EEE-CHEE-RO caught in the dugout looking very confused to be surrounded with good players�A-Fraud hits a triple, but at least he drives Ortiz in�Zambrano strikes out Carl Crawford � inning over. Apparently, Roger Clemens would be �remissed� if he didn�t say something to his hometown fans. And Roger, we�d be �remissed� if we didn�t say this in return: �GO HOME, YOU HICK!!!�

AL Fifth Inning (Brought to you by the mental image of Brian Cashman washing Steinbrenner�s car): New NL hurler is the Marlins� Carl Pavano (forget the ring and the All-Star berth � this man used to date Alyssa Milano!)�and Mr. Intangible reaches on a rather questionable call at first. Hmmm. A Yankee getting a close call. Can you imagine?...Pavano Ks Fonzie�And here�s Texas� Michael Young, who SHOULD be the A.L. starting shortstop�and Jeter slides 20 feet short of second on a Young grounder � nice �Willie Mays Hayes moment�, Mr. Intangible!...EEE-CHEE-RO up � grounder to short. Inning over.

AL Sixth Inning (Brought to you by Dave Stapleton as a defensive replacement and Mookie grounding out in �86): DIE, SCOOTER, DIE!...Pavano again to I-Rod � pop-up to right�Kevin Kennedy talking to Jeter. THERE�S a braintrust�Bad Vlad (the best damn player in the game, if you ask me) singles to right� AND HERE IT IS! McCarver on Jeter � �What a money player he is�. And here comes the Intangibles Speech. And here�s the Highlight Reel. And here�s his bloody mug after the �faceplant catch� (THAT�s kinda enjoyable, actually). And here are the 27 shots of Mr. Intangible in the dugout. Excuse me while I vomit�Ortiz hits one to Arkansas�A.L. 9, A.L. 4. That man is STRONG!...Blalock grounds out�Crawford grounds out�inning over�Tejada fans Ortiz with a towel in the dugout as I wonder what the deal is with Manny�s hair.

AL Seventh Inning (Brought to you by Bill Lee striking out Tony Perez in �75 and celebrating with a big fat spliff): Glavine on the mound � just picked him up on my No Yankees Allowed Fantasy Team!...Lawton singles, and Sheffield hits into a DP. HAHAHAHA!!!...Young grounds out, inning over...Here comes Ruben Studdard to Sing God Bless America - what a strange coincidence that FOX has the �American Idol� winners singing in this game. Is there nothing that cannot be co-opted anymore? Oh well � no Clay Aiken sightings yet.

AL Eighth Inning (Brought to you by Harry Frazee falling off a cliff in 1918): Brewers� Ben Sheets on the mound � this guy is underrated and SCARY�.makes the Indians� Belliard look just plain silly on a K�Victor Martinez grounds out�Tejada up � chin music, full count, groundout. Nobody knows who Ben Sheets is, and if you are playing in a fantasy league with morons, make sure you pick him up. Unfortunately, I am not in a league filled with morons, but this guy is an elite pitcher on the verge!

AL Ninth Inning (Brought to you by YankeesSuck.com Editor Beth, who hopefully hasn�t decided to fire me by now): Crap. I used to really LIKE Tom Gordon. Why�d he have to go become a Yankee? McCarver just said �reflections on deflections�. FIRE HIM. NOW�Gagne in�Ortiz looks relieved just to get wood on the ball�McCarver wasting time with a love letter to Mariano Rivera�blah, blah, blah�SHUT UP, TIM�Gagne walks Ortiz�Gagne/Blalock Round 2�Gagne wins this one with a weak pop-out�Matsui up�Damnit Torre, you baggy-eyed Lurch wannabe - get Carlos Guillen in there! You deny the kid in his first All-Star game so you can get 3 ABs for your spoiled brat shortstop? Yuck Foo!...Godzilla, take a seat. You have just been destroyed by Gagne�s Mothra of a fastball...Lawton up � Lawton down. Woof! Gagne is GOOD.

I now have to steel myself for the Mariano Rivera LoveFest. Wake me when it�s over!

Postgame: Final Score: A.L. 9, N.L. 4. McCarver hit the Mr. Intangible Over/Under�in ONE INNING. Very impressive! A.L. has the Home Field Advantage in the World Series now�so go get �em, you Bostons! And take Randy Johnson with you!

ESPN Quote Of The Week: �If he goes 0 for his next 50, you still can�t boo him!� � Stuart Scott on Derek Jeter.

An Open Letter to Theo Epstein

"God, who wouldn't love to have Randy Johnson?" Steinbrenner told Sporting News Radio. "He's a dominator and we'd love to have him. Anybody would love to have him, but I also know that (Diamondbacks owner) Jerry Colangelo is not going to give him away. We'll have to see what happens as the deadline gets closer. We'll see.

Johnson has veto power over any deal and the Diamondbacks have repeatedly said they would not trade the five-time Cy Young Award winner. � ESPN.com, July 1, 2004

Oh, CRAP.

Dear Theo,

It�s time for you to throw on Season Two of �The Sopranos�, buckle up, and get ready to bust into King George�s Executive Game...with guns-a-blazing.

Theo, it�s time for YOU to make up, in one fell swoop, for Babe Ruth, Sparky Lyle, Roger Stinkin� Clemens, A-Rod, and every other great player that those heathens in the Bronx stole away from you. And from EVERY OTHER TEAM IN BASEBALL.

It�s time for you to go to Henry, Werner and Luccino and IMPLORE them to Grab The Unit (uhhh�so to speak).

If there�s one thing you know for sure, it�s that King George will do everything possible to replace the Yankees� perceived liabilities with available studs. And this year, he hasn�t been so successful. Beltran? Strike One. Garcia? Strike Two.

George doesn�t like to strike out. And speaking of striking out, we need to discuss something else.

Let�s face it�your team has no defensive range. None. It�s reaching the famed �Unintentional Comedy Phase�. Adding any manner of groundball/flyball pitcher to this team will only reinforce what you�re missing. Theo, you bailed a bit on fundamentals in favor of the Totally Destructive Offense factor. And you�re going to have to realize that such a strategy doesn�t work come playoff time.

But that�s water under the bridge�as it stands now, you need a strikeout artist. In fact, you need one of the premier strikeout artists in baseball history. Well, no matter what Colangelo says, he�s available for the right price. And he�s already won a World Series...against your sworn enemy�with your A-Number-One ace as his co-pilot. That's right, Theo...they're Yankee-killers to the core!

That Knute Rockne speech you gave Curt Schilling that turned his head around and made him believe in Boston? You need to warm up that speech again. Because you can have Randy Johnson�if you want him badly enough. Lets face it�that isn�t exactly a braintrust out there in Arizona. You could get Randy for Kevin Youkilis and an autographed picture of Harry Frazee.

The Unit has 4,000 Ks. He�s got the ring. He�s got a guaranteed spot in Cooperstown. What�s left for him? To win some more. That�s all this man cares about. Believe me, I know. I saw him grow from a gangly kid who couldn�t locate for squat into perhaps the most intimidating pitcher in baseball history. I live in Seattle. I saw it all. I know what you�re missing, and I know where the answer is.

But since I live in Seattle, I�ve also seen what happens to contending teams over time when they don�t make smart deals at the deadline. They falter. Fans lose belief. Years pass, and there�s no breakthrough. And in your case, that also means more damn Shaugnessy columns and tepid HBO specials about the stupid Bambino thing. Blech.

Theo, it�s time for you to make the call. For the good of the team, the fans, the pitching staff, and your own blessed weird Boston Karma.

Because if you sit idly by and let the Big Unit toddle off to the Bronx�you have nobody to blame but yourself.

Mariners Screw Up in Reverse

"Wait�they made a good trade?"
Yes, indeedy. And not only do I kick off my YankeesSuck.com blogging experience with news of a deal which helps the M�s (on purpose, even!) and spanks the Yanks, I also get to use, in one column, my two least favorite sports-related expressions:

1. "Subway Series";
2. "Upside".

But first, the Freddy Garcia deal. In case you just woke up from a two-day bender (and if you�re a Mets fan, you may just have), the Mariners (my hometown team, for your reference) traded stud starting pitcher Freddy and uber-dork catcher Ben Davis to the Chicago White Sox for three players � Sox starting catcher Miguel Olivo, Topps 2003 Minor League Player Of The Year Jeremy Reed (OF), and SS/3B/1B/DH Michael Morse (prorated position switches after the M�s see him defensively at SS!).

As a Freddy Garcia fan, a firm believer in the "build everything around an ace" theory and a longtime basher of just about everything the M�s alleged front office has ever done, I was surprised at my own reaction to this trade. To wit: "Woot!"

Lemme �splain. The Mariners are desperately thin at catcher. So thin, in fact, that beyond Dan Wilson, their best option in 2004 has been erstwhile Civil War-era backstop Pat Borders. And while the M�s may value "veteran clubhouse presence" to an almost masochistic degree, listening to them try and talk Borders up was too much, even from them.

Whose fault is that?

Ben Davis�.

Davis is the worst possible life-sucking debit a na�ve front office can possibly possess � he is a "toolsy guy" with lots of potential "upside" (ACK!!!), and a staggering mental inability to follow through on any of it. You may remember Davis as the guy who broke up Curt Schilling�s perfect game attempt a few years back�with a bunt. And that�s all you need to know about Davis� concept of tradition and respect for the game. Batting .091 (!) before he was sent down to AAA Tacoma this season didn�t exactly help. I�d love Davis to be a Yankee. Does that tell you how much he stinks?

So, we�re all doing the Happy Dance in Seattle re: Davis� departure. And while the loss of a pitcher of Garcia�s caliber is a body blow, it was expected. This deal had been snaking around for at least a month. Not to mention the fact that a top-tier ace may be a luxury when you have this much dead weight from your starters (Stats as of 6/27/04):

SS Rich Aurilia: .237/.301/.326, 53 hits, 3 HR, 25 RBI in 224 AB.
3B Scott Speizio: .220/.292/.379, 47 hits, 8 HR, 28 RBI in 214 AB.
2B Bret Boone: .214/.288/.353, 54 hits, 9 HR, 27 RBI in 252 AB.
1B John Olerud: .262/.374/.376, 60 hits, 4 HR, 19 RBI in 229 AB.
CF Randy Winn: .260/.337/.377, 54 hits, 3 HR, 22 RBI in 265 AB.

Blarg. This team needs to get younger and tougher, with far more production, in an ENORMOUS hurry. The good news? We�re set for some record-breaking "Value Over Replacement Player" numbers over the next couple of seasons. And if the loss of Freddy Garcia is part of that equation�well, it had to be done. Olivo can start right next to Wilson today, Reed looks like the killer young outfielder the team so desperately needs (he could be called up in September � certainly Opening Day 2005), and Morse? Well, Morse has a lot of "upside" himself. We won�t hold that against him, though!

Of course, the cherry on the sundae was as follows�

"White Sox 1, Yankees Ooooooooohhhhhhh�"

There may have been no one in the world more distraught over the Garcia trade than current Yankee GM (and future men�s room attendant) Brian Cashman. See, the Yankees (not to mention the collective power of the New York press machine) were gunning for Garcia big-time.

Or so they thought. Having dangled minor-league catcher Dioner Navarro in Mariner GM Bill Bavasi�s face (and possibly Jose Contreras, if you believe some rumors), the Yanks certainly thought that they had the inside track, as they always seem to. However, just as in the Carlos Beltran trade, the team that is looking for prospects instead of suspects will avoid the Yankees like�well�the Yankees. When "Cha-ching" time came, the Sox desperately wanted Garcia themselves, and they had the farm system to make the trade go.

And there is Nothing. In. This. World. more enjoyable than the fact that the Yankees lost a guy they coveted�because they�re thin on prospects.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Enjoy those "meetings", Bri! No Vlad, no Beltran, no Freddy. Life sucks when there�s an even playing field, huh?

Take Two and Call Me In The Morning�

However lame it may be that the Mets just laid down and died in the Sunday doubleheader, what I find FAR more repulsive is the idea that this Yankees-Mets thing, with its negligible tradition, is termed a "Subway Series".

Sure.

Dodgers-Yankees in the �40�s and �50�s? THAT was a Subway Series. I find it very hard to believe that any current Yankee player would take a subway anywhere unless there was a photo op attached. Doesn�t go with the whole "arrogant sense of bogus entitlement" thing. In fact, the last major leaguer that I know for a fact rode a subway train was John Rocker.

And we all know how that turned out.

Let�s just call this series what it is�yet another excuse for the national media (especially Ravech and the BBTN boys) to get all goopy about Captain Intangible and his crew of overpaid goons. I wonder if that phrase would fit on a t-shirt!

ESPN.COM Yankee Quote(s) Of The Day:

"Derek Jeter is on a tear -- his batting average is up to .257" � Jeff Merron

"Jorge Posada is having an excellent year (while everyone's talking about I-Rod -- Ivan Rodriguez, in Detroit -- Posada has been his equal offensively)." � Jeff Merron

Uhhhhhhh�Jeff? Can you please mail me some of whatever it is you�re smoking? Here are the lines as of 6/28, my friend:

Pudge: .372/.410/.550, 100 hits, 10 HR, 54 RBI in 269 AB.

Posada: .273/.418/.515, 54 hits, 9 HR, 33 RBI in 198 AB.

Now, I don�t have anything against Posada (he�s actually one of five Yankees I can�t help but respect, the others being Gehrig, Berra, Munson and Mattingly), but this is revisionist analysis taken to a ludicrous degree�even for "The Worldwide Leader in Yankee Hoo-Ha". I eagerly await Merron�s statistical breakdown showing us less-enlightened folks just how much Yankee Mystique equals 46 hits and 21 RBI in less than half a season. Equal? If he�s Pudge�s equal, Derek Jeter�s an All-Star shortstop.

Oh, wait�

"Yankees lose! Thuuuuuuuh Yankees Lose!"